When Forgiveness Doesn’t Come Easily

Forgiveness Doesn’t Come Easily

I’ve strived over the years to keep short accounts, which means working things out with people when there are disagreements or misunderstandings, but there are some situations when forgiveness doesn’t come easily. I’m aware through the years of things I’ve experienced that weren’t able to be reconciled or where I lost my voice to stand up for myself or situations

I’m currently finishing up a trauma-informed certification program, and to say I’ve had triggers from past traumas come up is an understatement. I already knew when our oldest son died that, past traumas came at me fast and furious, but I’d managed to stuff those down again. The program I’m in, and a book I’m reading are helping to bring these unresolved issues to the forefront for me to deal with.

I’ve always felt like there was a missing link to my wholeness. My grief journey has been long and complex, but God has helped me heal from losing our son, Brandon. You never “get over” a loss like this, but I’ve come to accept this tragedy and start to live and enjoy life again. As I mentioned, though, even though I’ve made huge strides in my healing journey, I felt there was still something preventing me from really feeling whole. If you have followed any of my writing, living whole has been a focus for several years. I truly believe God desires us to live whole in all areas of our lives.

A few days ago, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in years. She and I had a great conversation. Someone’s name came up, and I cringed inside. It was someone who did many things that didn’t align with what most would consider ethical behavior. There is no need to get into the dark details; however, I was told he had changed. I’m not his judge, but this was a minister, and in light of all the many ministries that have been exposed and under so much scrutiny in the past few years, I was feeling hard-pressed to believe there has been a change. Again, I’m not the judge, but that didn’t keep the emotions from coming to the forefront. This individual had brought accusations that were not true against friends and family members in the past, all while naming the name of Jesus.

I went home, and inside, I felt overwhelmed, and past trauma from this situation surfaced front and center. That’s not the only thing that came to the surface. God was bringing to my attention memories that were locked deep inside. These stuffed-down memories were traumatizing to me and started when I was twelve. I wasn’t sexually assaulted or raped, so many might not feel the things I experienced could be so traumatizing, but they were. We really cannot compare our trauma to the traumas others have experienced. That discounts your pain when you try to convince yourself someone else experienced worse trauma.

Names of people began to come to my mind as I thought about those whose actions I had stuffed down through the years. I suppose I had an “out of sight, out of mind” philosophy, but that’s not how it works. I had already started reading The Body Keeps the Score, and it’s a very eye-opening book that makes you realize how the body, your cells, and your brain does not forget the trauma in your life. It’s there, waiting for you to deal with it. I didn’t want to deal with it. Do you want to know why? I didn’t want to forgive what had been done to me or my family.

If I looked at it all, even one by one, I knew I needed to let go of it all. The thing is, I didn’t know how to let go. Part of me doesn’t want to forgive; somehow, if I harbor these feelings, it will make those people pay for the wrong they did. None of these people I’ve stuffed down have ever come to ask forgiveness, yet they are going on with their lives as if they have no care in this world. That is honestly why it’s essential to let it go or to forgive and let it go. It’s not for THEM, it’s for US… Our wholeness. Whether perpetrators ever admit they’re wrong or not doesn’t matter. I don’t want to converse with them; some are dead anyway.

Some of these were ministers we followed behind them in ministry. One of those ministers had a pornographic addiction and left his family regularly, supposedly to see prostitutes. His spouse and brother knew, yet they covered him. Another pastor we followed found out that two 18-year-old boys had molested an 11-year-old boy in his church on the regular, and yet this was covered up. We were left with the aftermath of these pastors’ actions. The boy who was molested was an adult and was so traumatized, yet by the time he was in our counseling, he didn’t want to press charges.

YET…these two pastors we followed had moved on, living the life, pastoring big churches, and living the dream. So we tried to bring order to this church, and since we couldn’t get into detail because these topics were so sensitive, we were eventually ostracized. We went on a sabbatical and lost everything we had while those two were living the life.

I was bullied in middle school and high school, and this carried over to the church I attended as well. Being extraordinarily tall at such a young age was how the teasing started. I couldn’t get away from it and in time, other things to tease me about were added. At this time, I also don’t feel free to get into deep details about this, but this situation I now realize was when my trauma started. This created in me the sense that there was something wrong with me. I thought I fell in love with one of my bullies later on. I realize now, I wasn’t in love, I was trying to gain the acceptance of my aggressor, which is a trauma response I now understand is experienced by many.

This week I took time to write down those who had either lied or betrayed us in a ministry setting, as well as those who had caused a trauma response in me through the years. This is 50 + years of stuffing pain and trauma down. I have developed a significantly dysregulated nervous system.

Something Has to Change

When I looked at the list of over 20 situations or people God kept bringing to my memory, I realized THIS is holding me back from what God has for me. I realized it was time to deal with it once and for all. I’ve had another book I hadn’t read. It’s called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lisa Terkeurst. I’ve started reading this book and it’s a good read.

I’ve taken my healing journey further. I’m enrolled in a 12-week trauma-releasing program, called Surrender to Heal Academy. You can find information about Melanie Chavez and her program at Christ Women Healing Trauma. I’ve also restarted another program I had not finished, Freedom For Life. I highly recommend the Freedom For Life program, which is led by a ministry I trust.

I’m sharing this information about trauma because I believe healing from our trauma and releasing people and situations which has caused hurt is for our well-being. This is a purposeful act, and for myself personally, I need God to meet me in this hard place. At this time I know I cannot be who I am purposed to be in God with all this hurt and trauma eating away at me. I’m praying for you as God brings those situations forward so that you can deal with and release them. We need others to walk along beside us on this forgiveness journey. If you have questions about the programs I mentioned, please get in touch with me, and I will connect you to the help you desire.

Be Whole, Joycelynn